Fail life

Just came back from the dentist to find I have three cavities... which are all on my front teeth. I hate this fail. I can't believe im venting on a blog. Its frickin pissing me off right now. Its the same feeling I got when I got my report card and saw all the crappy grades I got. Its the same feeling I got when I realized I can't donate blood until I move out of my house because of my stupid dad. Its the freaking worst feeling ever. ARGH IM SO PISSED and theres no one to talk to but my stupid blog... my mom says I should go see a counseler. F--- that. Its just a freakin waste of money...

In addition to my wimpy crying, I feel like I wanna stab myself or do some head-banging or self-inflicting pain. But its not like that that's gonna help. Theres no one to cry to so im doing it silently. I hate my life. Sometimes I wish I could donate 2 years of my life to 8 individuals. Who told me to be born? Was it God? Where is he now? God feels like just a person I hear of so much yet his personality changes as my emotions change. Pat and my brother said im emo. Maybe I am but im just reeaally sad/pissed right now. I dont even know how im feeling. Maybe its time to give Josh my eyes in a jar haha...

Im going to a church retreat this weekend, with HOC5, my old church. My memory of the people were that they were fing rich and fing stuck up, and they are. Im wondering if I should be mean, since they're called to love everyone, regardless of status and personality. Its lame how people love this "God" when they feel like it, and donate money etc. when they're financially secure. Everythings so stupid. I have to go to community service in half an hour too.

Life fails, to sum it up. Actually, life doesn't fail. Its me who fails. Im the one making all the bad choices and ive learned a lot already, the hard way. But this is just stupid. I dont want to learn EVERYthing the hard way...

I'm crying again. I fail.

July 10- First Blog

Well... its my first blog yay! And right now i'm supposed to be packing for my missions trip to Arizona. People ask me if i'm excited, but I really don't know. I know I'm SUPPOSED to be hyped up and stuff but... I feel kind of dead. And getting insomnia back for the past few days doesn't help at all.

Last year one of my most memorable moment of the Navajo missions trip was when that huge cockroach-like bug thing was in my shoe and I put my foot in my shoe... and it felt funny and I pulled it out with the legs squirming... Emily didn't believe me it was ginormous, until she saw it. It was gross. I walked with my toes curled for at least an hour.

Summer has been pretty unproductive so far... I haven't racked up my community service hours at Lupus Foundation, so I'm behind right now. I'm aiming for at least 200 hours. I also procrastinate on doing my SAT stuff since its so boring and I failed one of its practice tests lol. Having my mom yell at me about it every day doesn't make me feel enthusiastic about doing it.

I've been trying to go to smash, because I seriously want to get better, but I still suck. Still, must aim for varisty next year. No offense, but being a Junior and being in JV looks bad, and is kinda like a -facepalm- to me. Well anyways, I've been playing Maplestory again LOL. And I met some Canadian kid who speaks French. Its really funny because he says so many come-ons and pickup lines and stuff. Are all French-speaking guys flirty lol?

I know Maplestory is such a nerdy thing to play, but hey, I have to become a nerd this year, no kidding.

I went shopping today, for the Navajo stuff. I went to PacSun and tried on a dress, just for the heck of it :D. At least now I know I dont look horrible in a dress. I ended up not even buying anything for the trip lol, except Saline nasal spray. Man, that stuff is refreshing when your nose is dry haha.

Well, I've killed enough time. Gotta go pack now! Will be back on the 19th, but probably alive on the 20th :) Please pray for me because I just know i'm going to be exhausted. I'll write down my thoughts for each day and write a blog for each one... once I get back! Cya guys ^o^

IC